notesinblue: (virgin state)
[personal profile] notesinblue
i feel stuck.

i want to move forward, but it's like i'm shackled in place. i know what i want, i even know what i need to do in order to get it (to a degree), but i'm immobilized by fear. i talked to Tanya about this and she suggested i journal with myself, have a dialogue. i think we both know that what is holding me back is inside me. no, it is me. so here we go. c'mon self. it's just you and me. why the hell won't you let me move forward?

because i'm afraid.

of what?

something horrible happening.

okay. be more specific.

i could end up off worse. i could lose everything again. i could end up alone and hurt. i don't want to hurt anymore. i've suffered so much already. i can't bear to start over again. it would kill me.

okay. first of all, no, it won't kill you. in fact, i'm getting better at this, loss, all the time. i'm getting stronger. and i'm much stronger now than i was when i lost the emperor. and yes, something bad could happen. but something bad could happen anyway. sitting and doing nothing will not protect you from disaster, in fact, it's inviting it.

but i'm comfortable. i feel safe. i don't have to go outside my comfort area. i'm not stuck in a job i hate, in a life i hate. i'm safe.

no, you're not. you're depending on others. you will never be safe. and the safest you will ever be is if you depend on yourself. and yes, you are outside of your comfort zone. you're miserable where you are.

but it could be worse. i know what to expect here. and i'm comfortable.

you are not comfortable. you have a routine to which you have gotten used to and you don't want to lose it. you don't want to lose the freedoms that come with where you are. but there are freedoms you will get in exchange for the ones you give up.

i don't want to give up anything.

but that's moot. you already are. you're penniless. you can't afford to do the things you want to do, see the people you want to see, and be where you want to be. your inertia and financial distress has trapped you just as much as any job could. and it is getting worse.

but i hate working. i just want to play and live.

again, you are jobless and you aren't doing that anyway. you're just sitting around decaying. and okay, you've had some jobs you've hated. and no, work isn't always wine and roses. but you have had jobs you've liked. and having money would be nice. and so would moving out.

but i'm scared.

of what?

being trapped in a bad job. not being able to make it on my own. being all alone.

okay. one by one here. bad job? quit. not making it on own? bullshit. you've done that and more before. and being alone? well, why is that so awful? and who says you will be?

i'm never alone here.

i know. and it sucks. be objective: when you had the house to yourself it was nice wasn't it? being able to do what you want when you want to do it. that was really nice.

but i can't do that if i'm working anyway. so why bother?

first of all, says who? there are always days off. yes, it will be hard. but you can do it. and you bother for all the reasons above. you are dying like this. you are killing yourself. you are not sitting in the woods healing and writing epic poetry, so don't say you are. you are sitting up here hiding.

no, i'm not.

yes, you are. and you fucking know it.

...

stop hiding. now is the time to take risks. stop avoiding me and stop avoiding what needs to be done. i've let you get away with it for way too long. playing sick won'y work anymore. yes, i have PTSD. but you know what, i'm getting better. i can't hide forever. and you know what? who says i have to leap in and get a full time desk job? no one besides you. deliver pizzas. stock groceries. whatever. just go out and do it.

but there's nothing i want to do.

you didn't want to carry copy or deliver pizzas, and you ended up loving both.

and look where that ended up.

yes. look. because you are only seeing the negative. i have so much now that i wouldn't have had otherwise. take a god damn chance. and if you don't like it, quit. the emperor is not lurking out there to reprimand you like last time. you will not starve and die. unless, of course, you continue to do nothing.

but i don't know how.

ask for help.

i'm scared.

there you go again. that's an excuse.

what if i can't find anything?

well, you certainly won't if you don't look.

it's hard.

most things are. but you've done harder. you've even done this. you can do it again.

what if i can't?

you can.

but what if i can't?

then we will find another solution. but again, doing nothing doesn't get you closer.

i'm still scared.

i know. it's okay. we can get there together. no one is asking you to leap without looking. just stick a toe in the water. just give me a chance. because i don't want to be here anymore, and you don't really either. give me another chance. please. i know i screwed up in the past, but i need to try again. please let me.

... ok.

i'm sorry. i'm so so sorry i've let you down in the past. this time we'll work together. this time we will listen to one another. we can do it. both of us. but i need you to help me. will you please give me another chance?

yes. i love you. just please don't leave me alone anymore.

i won't. i'm sorry.

i know.

i love you too. thank you.

i'll try. i can't promise anything.

i know. i can't either. but at least we will do our best.

just promise me you'll stop ignoring me.

i'll do my very best.

ok. ... you need a hug.

i know.

call someone.

okay.

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notesinblue

January 2013

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