all these years later it is worth noting that i am okay. i'm not sunshine and roses all the time, but i've finally overcome my Depression and Anxiety. therapy and lots of hard work. i've come such a long way. reading back through some of this reminds me of just how very far it has been.

the Hanged Man and i are still together, and far better and stronger than we were last i wrote. a year apart brought us back together strong as iron. all of the old issues are ancient history. now our only issue is not having the cash to get an apartment together.

the prince of swords is no longer my best friend. in fact, he's not even a friend. once i grew some self-esteem we fell apart. the princess of disks, however, has never been more true and wonderful.

today was the first time i have thought about the prince of wands in a long time. in fact, it was the reason i ended up over here. wandering through the old wounds. in many ways his betrayal was the worst, and still hurts the most. thankfully i rarely think of him.

after six years of legal BS, i finally freed myself from the emperor. to the best of my knowledge he moved out of state. i'm not afraid anymore. it's amazing.

my mom, however, (the queen of disks as i tag her) is still a right pain in my ass. but some things never change.

something is not right. this is not right. and futhermore, i am not alright.

he told me over and over again that every thing was okay. but it wasn't.
then he told me he was going to prove to me that this, us and him moving away, was going to be okay. he wrapped his pinkie in mine and swore it. but he hasn't.

i know. i know. it's only tuesday. but i've felt sick and wrong ever since friday night when we had our rift. since then he has been absent when i need him most. then he played a head game with me by "testing" me and not calling me. wanted to know if i was serious in my resolve and being truthful when i said i'd be okay if he didn't. well, what about his pledge to show me that he's still on board, all the way?

i've lost my faith and trust. when i think about him or us i feel like i'm going to throw up. i want to see him, hear from him, but the mere thought is giving me nervous bowels right now. and that can't be right.

others have told me that he's just being young. that i need to give him time and space. and they are probably right. but meanwhile i feel like i'm sitting and waiting for him to pull himself together while i suffer, tiptoe, and pray for a scrap of attention or assurance. this doesn't feel right. it feels very very wrong. and i don't know what to do. it's already been said that the thing to do is just focus on me and give him space, but it feels all wrong.

he broke things, he really did, and he broke me. and i want him to fucking fix it. i want him to uphold his end. i'm all alone up here giving him space. i sit by the phone waiting for him to call and i feel like a dog. and i don't feel like my needs are being tended to. but what are my needs?

i don't need any more words. i don't trust them anymore. i need actions. i need him to show me. and that's something he has to do on his own. i can't tell him how or it's meaningless. but i suppose i can tell him i feel like a damn neglected and pathetic dog begging at his table. but i don't see how that will help.

i feel like we broke up.
i feel like we broke up and we are both just pretending otherwise.
and it hurts so much. i feel sick. literally sick. and drained beyond belief. i've been living in a state of shock and dread for five days now. and i feel like i'm at my wit's end. and my god am i lonely.

i don't want this. i don't want to feel this way. part of me wants to cut and run just so i can have a solid reason to be in pain. so that i can be sure where i stand. it all feels like it's in his court. i feel powerless. i'll hear from him when he wants to hear from me. i'll see him when he wants to see me. we'll be together so long as he wishes it. i feel like i've been cut out of the equation. just waiting.

oh god i don't know what will be worse: if he calls in 40 minutes or if he doesn't. i don't know what to say. do i tell him all of this? i'm tired of arguing and crying. i'm tired of trying to hash things like this out on the phone when i need to be held. this isn't working for me. he wants me to be strong, but i gave him all the power in the relationship. i just gave it away. and now i'm just sitting here waiting to be told it's okay, and i won't believe it anyway.

i want my relationship back. i want the trust. i want to be held. i want to feel loved and wanted. i want us back. and what upsets me the most is that it may be impossible at this point. i've screwed things up, and so has he. and i don't know if this can be repaired.

i just had the most wonderful dream. i’ve woken up smiling. i’d go back to sleep and catch some more comfy bed, snuggly, nap time, but i wanted to write it down.

i dreamed the hanged man and i were both graduating. it was from the university in the spring, but it felt like high school. everything was warm and breezy, and it was filled with flowers. we sat on bleachers and there were maybe only fifty of us all total. a woman called him up first, and there was thunderous applause. i was so proud of him, and he was well recognized and lauded. i went second, and again, applause. and i did it right this time, because i felt right. i grinned from ear to ear and felt like i had accomplished something. (later that night i spied a black and white close up of me in a frame - i'm laughing in my mortarboard and holding my diploma up to my face, radiant with glee.) then we both walked off the stage together and met my folks who gave us huge hugs and congratulated us. it felt wonderful and momentous. we walked out into the sunshine hand in hand smiling and happy.

then the dream changed. again, this was all the present but it felt like high school. it was summer, but not long after the ceremony, maybe a month, and i was attending the university swim meet with the hanged man and my parents (though my mother never appears in this dream). the meet was a big deal, and a lot of people’s graduation or success depended on it. the princess of cups was there, and her eyes were swollen and red, infected by pool water from not wearing goggles like everyone else. she never saw me. she looked miserable and defeated. i found out, from my father, that over the course of the weeklong tournament she had fallen from third place to seventeenth. she was a failure. she was never going to amount to anything, and she knew it. i witnessed her defeat, shook my head, and felt a little sorry for her. then i left her behind without much thought, got some shaved ice, and enjoyed the rest of the summer festival with the hanged man.

then it changed again. i was picking out tulips from bins and the hanged man was no longer at my side, but my father was. i wanted the perfect lavender tulip to keep forever and cherish, to remember the past day by. there were yellow tulips and purple ones, and they were all amazing. i knew exactly which one i wanted, but i had to find it - i knew it was there because i had sen it earlier without getting it. it was just the right shade and shape. my father pulled one in particular from the box and asked me if it was the one i wanted, in a “please say no” sort of tone. it was tiny. the color was an amazing rich purple, but it had yet to open and it was itty bitty. it was a seedling. even though the color appealed to me i shook my head. maybe i could press it in a book or something, it was a nice shade, but it wasn’t what i wanted. he smiled and i kept looking. i found the one i was looking for and was happy. then my father showed me something else. it was a Tiffany lamp on a swing arm. it reminded me of the tulip. it was lavender, pink, and orange. i didn’t like the orange, it wasn’t quite right, but it was a gift and the more i looked at it the more i liked it. he offered to clamp it to my wing back chair in my room, and just like that we were there, as happens in dreams. it was my old room back at Larkbunting, but it was a bit different and i don’t think it was attached to their house. the wing back chair was in my closet as a reading place, and my father hooked the lamp up and i fell in love with it. i knew it would be so cozy there, reading at night. i felt peaceful and happy. this was my life and i felt content.

i woke up smiling and haven't stopped. it's clear to me what my subconscious was talking about, and i truly believe today that i can build the life i want. i will heal my wounds, get over my obstacles, and put my old life behind me. i will love the hanged man without pause, stop dwelling on those that tried to destroy me, and the negative feelings that go with them, and i will find a nice job and home. i will be whole, healthy, and happy. i believe it. just as i believe in the sunshine melting all the snow beyond the windows. warm days are ahead.

ok self. you've been consumed with anxiety this past week to the point where it feel like your heart has been ripped out. this is not okay. so here's what we are going to try tonight: write until something pulls loose or you feel better. now go.


i'm afraid and it all started with the hanged man. which makes me worry that it has to do with him. did he simply trigger it or is this a warning sign? i feel like it's the former but i'm petrified that it may be the second. what if i'm fooling myself? what if it's all a lie? what if i don't love him? i can't ask myself these questions without breaking into a sweat. which, again, worries me. when i think about it all logically i can see no problem though. i'm scared that i can no longer answer with confidence when i ask myself if i love him. do i love him or do i love what he does for me, what he represents? why wouldn't i love him? he's everything i want and need. ok, setting that aside for a moment, what if i don't? is that what's scaring me? maybe. i stand to lose a lot. or do i? yes, i stand to lose another new shiny future all built perfectly in my head in addition to losing him and being wrong. i really don't want to be wrong. i said he was the one and i can't take that back. can i? i don't know. this isn't making me feel any better though. am i mad at him? do i want to be away from him? my heart aches when i think that, but i don't know what that means. maybe i'm afraid i *should* get away from him and i know i don't want to, like with the emperor. maybe i'm afraid i'm going down the same road, and i'm going to be hurt. i do have the same trapped feeling. but that doesn't seem right either. lets try this, how would life be better without him? well, i'd have more free time. i'd have more time for me. i miss me. i feel like i never get time to be alone and just sit and think. i can't remember the last time i went out alone. but i could do that anyway. i already told him i wanted space and i have it. i don't feel better. i felt just as sick about coming home as i did going down to be with him. when i think about getting up tomorrow and spending all day here i feel ill. i likewise feel ill when i think about going down. either way i feel a rush of anxiety. so where do i want to be. a voice inside my head keeps saying "home". well we've been over this. there's no suck place. and typing that makes me sad, like i want to cry. home is gone. the wetlands, my house, my husband...all gone. i miss him. i don't know why all of a sudden but i do. i miss him so much and i don't know why. it's like he just left. i can feel his absence like a hole where my heart was. the hanged man is not him, for better or worse, and i didn't think i wanted him to be but maybe a part of me does. i miss J. there i said it. i miss him.

and now the tears have come. so many of them and they're coming from a place of grief, not fear. i thought i was done with this but i guess i still was holding on to something. in this moment i just miss him so much. and that may be the hanged man's only fault: he's not the emperor. he's so different, and mostly for the better, but he's not him. and now the anxiety is back. unexpected. i thought the tears were an indication that i had popped out a cork. but it looks like i'm wrong. there is something going on in my head and it has to do with the hanged man. do i want to leave him? do you want to leave him, T? if you could, would you leave him and run back to the emperor? a little voice in my head said yes and another recoiled and screamed no. conflicted. so which is it? who would you pick, the emperor or the hanged man? my instincts pull me toward the emperor. i miss him. my head tells me the hanged man. my heart...i can't tell. i can't tell where my heart is. i know that the emperor is gone forever no matter what choice my heart makes right this instant. but if i don't pick the hanged man i don't know if i should stay with him. he's not a surrogate. i love spending time with him. when i get upset it's because i look deep into his eyes and what, see it's not the emperor? was i pretending he was the emperor? he's better. a voice in my head cries out "no he's not!", but yes, yes he is. i feel like i'm fighting with myself. a battle is raging between my old self and the person i'm trying to become. i want to talk to someone about this without having to reassure them that i love the hanged man, because what if i don't? and that thought makes me feel sick, which again i don't know how to read. every time i ask myself if i love him i feel sick. you'd think that would mean no, but that's not always the case with me. am i rationalizing? do i not love him? god i feel ill. i also feel certain that i did love him before all of this happened, which leads me to believe that i still do.

i want to go home.

i keep almost calling the hanged man by the emperor's name. that feels important. it's been popping up a lot lately. let's go back a moment. let's go back to the grief if we can. ... i miss him. he's gone. and maybe he's not a monster. maybe he was the love of my life and he's gone. but that doesn't feel right. that makes me feel just as ill. i don't want this. any of it. when i picture the hanged man in my head my heart aches. it feels like i've lost him somehow. but i haven't. did i lose the illusion of him? what is it that makes my heart hurt so badly? what's going on with me? i'm going to go sit and think a little - this doesn't seem to be helping.

the hanged man shaved off his beard and he looks twelve. i know it's petty, but it bothers me. it makes me feel old. six years didn't seem like that big of a difference when he looked more my age, but now he looks even younger than he actually is. it will grow back. i know it's a little thing, but it threw me off and now i'm trying to recover my attraction.

i'm in a funk today. i've had a bad feeling in my gut since yesterday morning. the hanged man had a little needy fit, and it freaked me out. i tried not to let it, but it did. mood swings scare me. the emperor made good and sure of that. and mood plummets out of the blue, especially ones related to sex, are a huge button for me. i keep telling myself it's nothing, that everything is good, but i'm not buying it on some level. i'm freaking myself out. things have been wonderful. he's wonderful. so why this reaction like i'm back with the emperor again?

i know i'm oversensitive, and making a mountain out of a molehill, but part of me is scared it's a red flag. i feel sick inside. i'm scared and upset. i haven't called him, and usually by now we would have been on the phone for at least an hour. i keep going from wanting to talk to him to wishing he wouldn't call. it's confusing. bottom line: i'm upset and i need to talk to him. i just don't know what to say.

i'm not sure what precisely is bothering me. i feel like i need a good cry. just a week ago i was wishing we were engaged, and now i feel like i'm about to sprint. what the hell is my problem? can i trust that things really have been amazing? can i trust myself? and if i can, what do i trust? do i trust how i felt last week or how i feel now? both? is that possible? i just wish i knew why i was so upset over something that happened almost two days ago. i didn't even want to talk about him tonight when my folks asked how he was. i glazed over the subject. i keep reassuring myself that things are good but they taste a lie. but why? why why why?

is it that i realized he isn't perfect? that he has some of the same flaws the emperor did? even if that's the case it doesn't mean he is the emperor. just because he got needy in regards to sex doesn't mean he's going to start pouting, whining, and guilting me. which may just be what i' so afraid of. i don't want the uncomfortable sex life i had before again. i don't want to spread my legs out of obligation. i don't want to do it just to make him feel better about himself and get him off my case. that's what i did with the emperor. and i can't do it again.

maybe that's what i need to tell him. maybe it's as simple as that. maybe i need to pick up the phone. god knows i've felt like shit all day over this and it hasn't done any good. this has helped though. and i know talking to him will too. it always does. besides, i made a promise to always be honest and open with him. this is how things fester and rot. and i know i don't want that.

i've been wanting to sit down and write this, clear my head, all night but i've been too busy. which is part of the problem i'm sure. i'm feeling very grumpy today and some of it is directed toward the hanged man. and as i sat down to write this i realized why. it's taken me all night to put it together: he requires an insane amount of energy. he clings, which has never bothered me before, but now that i'm busy as hell it's problematic. strike that. it's not only problematic, it's irritating. i'm irritated.

but it isn't just the clinging. it's the insecurity. i feel like i have to reassure him all the time, which in turn makes me worry. if i'm spending all my time trying to tell him it's all okay, is it? and then there's the worst part: whenever i'm not super chipper, and uber into him, he gets all worried and needy. i feel like i have to be "on" all the time. add all this together and it's exhausting. and i don't know what to do. when he isn't being neurotic i love being with him. we have a great time. i like talking to him, spending time with him. it's awesome. that is, unless he's being a train wreck, and then it makes me tired. and today i find myself crabby, and full of doubt.

i've been cock sure i was falling in love with him, hell, already knee deep in it...until today. today i don't know. today i feel nothing except somewhat smothered. maybe i need a break and that's it. maybe i'm just tired and overwhelmed with school and it has nothing to do with him on any meaningful level. or maybe i was wrong. that idea makes me feel like i'm going to throw up. i can't tell where any of this is coming from or if it means anything other than i need to examine my issues and get a good night's rest. maybe i just needed to acknowledge that i feel more than a little tired of having to constantly reassure him everything is cool. because it's making things uncool. he's so afraid he'll break it that he's breaking it. and now i'm afraid it's not just breaking, it's broken. all in the span of one day. which makes me suspect i'm just having a mood.

but what if i'm not? what if i've reversed momentum and i'm pulling away just as fast as i rushed in? i'm scared. for the first time i'm really scared. part of it is that i miss my space. i don't think this would be such a big deal (at least this fast) if i were in town. but i'm spending almost every night with him in his little apartment. there is a feeling of obligation. and the worst part is that when we spend time apart the next time i see him he goes on and on about how much he missed me...and i don't feel that way. i don't miss him. especially not right now. i'm glad to be alone and able to type this in my own bed. i miss being tied into LJ and current on my reading and shows. i miss my dogs. i even miss my folks. i don't like being away from home. never have. and maybe that's all it is. i miss my space.

so what do i do about it? i'm spending the next two nights with him. i'm meeting his folks tomorrow for god's sake. i'll come home on saturday, but that's two days away. realizing i need space right before our two days together seems like shitty timing. on the other hand, i'm actually looking forward to the next few days, which is a very encouraging sign. i'm not dreading it at all, although i am nervous about thursday night. and about the sex thing. it's such a constant drama. honestly, that's probably the heart of it all. he feels weird and broken, and in turn i feel like i constantly have to please him to boost his esteem. maybe if that was all working right things would be okay. except i'm sick of working on it. it's stressful.

hmm. i really do think this is primarily a sex thing come to think of it. it's about space, but a big part of it comes from not wanting to be in a situation where sex can spring up. i'm not stressed about friday at all because i know we'll be out all night. i'm stressed about him wanting it, me not but feeling obligated, then us having a failed attempt and him freaking. it's awful. so i want to avoid it, hence, i wanna be here at home.

working through all of that actually has loosened a knot in my gut. i feel a bit better. but still, what do i do about any of it? talk to him for certain. i promised him and myself i'd keep communication open even if it was difficult. but then what? i feel like i've told him a lot of this already, although not tied together, and not about wanting space or feeling numb toward him.

feeling numb... that's the part that really worries me. he kept saying i love you yesterday and i didn't want to say it back because i wasn't feeling it. i felt it before, where did it go? is it gone or am i using a coping skill and shutting down because i sense a disturbance? i'm inclined to think the later but i remain worried. have i been wrong this whole time? have i been lying to myself? have i? part of me says yes and part of me says no. which is which? i wish i knew. i was so sure and now i'm so not. things aren't fun when you're worried, and when things aren't fun i worry. nice cycle i've put myself in. i can't convey how much of how i'm feeling i blame not on him but on the emperor. i used to trust myself. now i only doubt.

i truly hope, hell, i pray, that i wake up tomorrow and this yucky feeling is gone. i want to feel energized the way i did before, not sapped. i just want to be happy. i was. i really was. i can say that with 100% certainty, yet still i doubt it. which says to me that a good chink of this has to do with how messed up i am. still. or maybe it's all just a bad day. maybe. mom said we all are allowed to just have bad days some times, without any reason. maybe that's all it is. again, maybe. maybe. god i hope so.

decided to take a chance on the hanged man and i'm so glad i did. he makes me feel, well, the opposite of how the emperor did. it's so nice. so so nice. now i'm just trying to figure out how to make it work when i live an hour away. and school takes up all my time. i wasn't kidding when i said i didn't have time for a relationship. but this...this is worth trying my best to make it work. besides, maybe the forced distance will help keep me from losing myself the way i tend to.

i find myself missing him and at the same time being a bit thankful for the break because when i'm with him it's all so intense. i took a long bath, read, and lounged today - it was very relaxing and i think i needed it. i worry that since i'm content when we are apart that means things aren't good, but on reflection it may be the opposite. i think it's a sign i'm healthy and non-codependent for the first time. it's strange, and goes against my instincts, but i think it's right. i've never been with someone like him and i've never been in a place like the one i'm in right now. my experience counts for shit. i'm not burning at as high a temperature, so i'm not turning to ash. i'm still on fire, but it's a nice fire that warms instead of burns. maybe this is what it's like to be in a normal, healthy relationship. i suppose we shall see.

i miss kissing. dancing close to someone. the feel of skin beneath my fingertips. i don't really miss being in a relationship. or sex. just the little thrill of electricity that comes with initiation. the flutter of excitement. those heated moments when one person reaches out and another person reaches back.

which is both why i've been flirting with the hanged man, and why i need to stop. i'd fucking break him. all i want is some spark. which is so uncool to pursue, even slightly, with a friend. and a fragile virgin friend at that. he's never been kissed. who the hell am i to wiggle my eyebrows at him when all i want is a bit of fun? i'm pissing myself off. it's just, there is no one, and i mean no one, else to flirt with.

i don't want a boyfriend, or even a fling. i just want to feel human again, if even for a moment. no one has touched me in nearly two years. sometimes i close my eyes and try to remember what it's like. and i can't. babies become retarded without human touch. i'm not becoming retarded intellectually, but i am emotionally. the longer it continues the more i feel like i'm becoming a machine, or undead.

i bought a pair of high heeled fuck-me boots. i cut my hair short and daring, and dyed it black. i feel like i'm fishing, even though i don't want to catch anything. i truly don't. i'm content with being single. my life is complex and full enough without being in a relationship. yet there is that yearning for contact. i want someone to run a hand through my new short hair. i want to be touched.