notesinblue: (Default)
2013-01-27 12:48 am

several years later...

all these years later it is worth noting that i am okay. i'm not sunshine and roses all the time, but i've finally overcome my Depression and Anxiety. therapy and lots of hard work. i've come such a long way. reading back through some of this reminds me of just how very far it has been.

the Hanged Man and i are still together, and far better and stronger than we were last i wrote. a year apart brought us back together strong as iron. all of the old issues are ancient history. now our only issue is not having the cash to get an apartment together.

the prince of swords is no longer my best friend. in fact, he's not even a friend. once i grew some self-esteem we fell apart. the princess of disks, however, has never been more true and wonderful.

today was the first time i have thought about the prince of wands in a long time. in fact, it was the reason i ended up over here. wandering through the old wounds. in many ways his betrayal was the worst, and still hurts the most. thankfully i rarely think of him.

after six years of legal BS, i finally freed myself from the emperor. to the best of my knowledge he moved out of state. i'm not afraid anymore. it's amazing.

my mom, however, (the queen of disks as i tag her) is still a right pain in my ass. but some things never change.
notesinblue: (loss)
2009-08-20 02:47 am

relapse of blue

god damn it. why now? why did my parents have to beat the hell out of me now? i was just starting to bounce back from one of the worst weekends i've had all year. i seriously wanted to curl up and die. then Robin got bitten by that rattlesnake and almost died, which ripped my heart out. i'm fragile as a teacup and then they smash the hell out of me. and now i'm back where i was, wishing i was dead. yeah, it's true. i feel that bad. and somehow knowing i won't actually do anything drastic makes the pain even worse. i don't feel like i can face another day. not one. but i will. and in the meantime i'm desperate for human contact. but no one is out there. my guy is hanging out late with his buddies and didn't text me back. my bestfriend blew off calling me, even after several desperate messages. and there isn't anyone else. i'm this close to calling the Hopeline just to hear a human voice. i don't know if i can make it through tonight like this. i feel like i'll die of sadness, by no intervention of my own. i hate this. i hate it up here. i hate my fucking life, or lack thereof. the only thing i love is my guy, and i'm losing him. the depression and the distance is pulling us farther and farther apart, which just makes me more and more depressed. soon i'm afraid i won't have anything anymore. hell, the fact that i only have two people i feel like i can call when i'm so low i want to throw myself off a balcony is pretty sad in itself. and i'm upset that i'm this low again. i thought i was getting better. i even thought i didn't need this journal anymore. but i guess i was wrong. because here i am. typing away just to keep myself company in an otherwise empty world. i might as well be the Omega man. just talking to the walls, waiting for the night to finally overtake me. pathetic.
notesinblue: (virgin state)
2009-07-12 09:35 pm
Entry tags:

inner dialogue

i feel stuck.

i want to move forward, but it's like i'm shackled in place. i know what i want, i even know what i need to do in order to get it (to a degree), but i'm immobilized by fear. i talked to Tanya about this and she suggested i journal with myself, have a dialogue. i think we both know that what is holding me back is inside me. no, it is me. so here we go. c'mon self. it's just you and me. why the hell won't you let me move forward?

because i'm afraid.

of what?

something horrible happening.

okay. be more specific.

i could end up off worse. i could lose everything again. i could end up alone and hurt. i don't want to hurt anymore. i've suffered so much already. i can't bear to start over again. it would kill me.

okay. first of all, no, it won't kill you. in fact, i'm getting better at this, loss, all the time. i'm getting stronger. and i'm much stronger now than i was when i lost the emperor. and yes, something bad could happen. but something bad could happen anyway. sitting and doing nothing will not protect you from disaster, in fact, it's inviting it.

but i'm comfortable. i feel safe. i don't have to go outside my comfort area. i'm not stuck in a job i hate, in a life i hate. i'm safe.

no, you're not. you're depending on others. you will never be safe. and the safest you will ever be is if you depend on yourself. and yes, you are outside of your comfort zone. you're miserable where you are.

but it could be worse. i know what to expect here. and i'm comfortable.

you are not comfortable. you have a routine to which you have gotten used to and you don't want to lose it. you don't want to lose the freedoms that come with where you are. but there are freedoms you will get in exchange for the ones you give up.

i don't want to give up anything.

but that's moot. you already are. you're penniless. you can't afford to do the things you want to do, see the people you want to see, and be where you want to be. your inertia and financial distress has trapped you just as much as any job could. and it is getting worse.

but i hate working. i just want to play and live.

again, you are jobless and you aren't doing that anyway. you're just sitting around decaying. and okay, you've had some jobs you've hated. and no, work isn't always wine and roses. but you have had jobs you've liked. and having money would be nice. and so would moving out.

but i'm scared.

of what?

being trapped in a bad job. not being able to make it on my own. being all alone.

okay. one by one here. bad job? quit. not making it on own? bullshit. you've done that and more before. and being alone? well, why is that so awful? and who says you will be?

i'm never alone here.

i know. and it sucks. be objective: when you had the house to yourself it was nice wasn't it? being able to do what you want when you want to do it. that was really nice.

but i can't do that if i'm working anyway. so why bother?

first of all, says who? there are always days off. yes, it will be hard. but you can do it. and you bother for all the reasons above. you are dying like this. you are killing yourself. you are not sitting in the woods healing and writing epic poetry, so don't say you are. you are sitting up here hiding.

no, i'm not.

yes, you are. and you fucking know it.


stop hiding. now is the time to take risks. stop avoiding me and stop avoiding what needs to be done. i've let you get away with it for way too long. playing sick won'y work anymore. yes, i have PTSD. but you know what, i'm getting better. i can't hide forever. and you know what? who says i have to leap in and get a full time desk job? no one besides you. deliver pizzas. stock groceries. whatever. just go out and do it.

but there's nothing i want to do.

you didn't want to carry copy or deliver pizzas, and you ended up loving both.

and look where that ended up.

yes. look. because you are only seeing the negative. i have so much now that i wouldn't have had otherwise. take a god damn chance. and if you don't like it, quit. the emperor is not lurking out there to reprimand you like last time. you will not starve and die. unless, of course, you continue to do nothing.

but i don't know how.

ask for help.

i'm scared.

there you go again. that's an excuse.

what if i can't find anything?

well, you certainly won't if you don't look.

it's hard.

most things are. but you've done harder. you've even done this. you can do it again.

what if i can't?

you can.

but what if i can't?

then we will find another solution. but again, doing nothing doesn't get you closer.

i'm still scared.

i know. it's okay. we can get there together. no one is asking you to leap without looking. just stick a toe in the water. just give me a chance. because i don't want to be here anymore, and you don't really either. give me another chance. please. i know i screwed up in the past, but i need to try again. please let me.

... ok.

i'm sorry. i'm so so sorry i've let you down in the past. this time we'll work together. this time we will listen to one another. we can do it. both of us. but i need you to help me. will you please give me another chance?

yes. i love you. just please don't leave me alone anymore.

i won't. i'm sorry.

i know.

i love you too. thank you.

i'll try. i can't promise anything.

i know. i can't either. but at least we will do our best.

just promise me you'll stop ignoring me.

i'll do my very best.

ok. ... you need a hug.

i know.

call someone.

notesinblue: (blue mind)
2009-06-17 12:00 am
Entry tags:


i think i just has a psychotic break, or at the very least a nervous breakdown. i can hardly type this. each keystroke requires all my effort, concentration, and energy. i finished writing that last entry and broke down into sobbing. real hard, hopeless, sobbing. when i managed to get it down to a drizzling cry i texted him. i texted that i may be making a huge mistake, but i needed to talk to him and was he available. and then nothing. after about ten minutes when it became evident i wasn't getting a reply i put my phone on the nightstand and just shut down. i've been staring at the wall, unable to move, not even my eyes, for at least twenty minutes. i was barely breathing. and i feel numb. as i force my fingers to move and write this some of my awareness, though not much, is returning and with it a dead feeling is creeping in. i want to cease existing. it's not that i want to die, or am suicidal, i just want to end. i won't cause it. i won't let everyone down. i doubt i even could. i can barely make my fingers work. but i don't want to go on. i don't want to split up with him. i don't want to argue. i don't want to feel the way i do, subservient and sick. i don't see a way out. i only see darkness. and i don't want anymore pain or difficulty. i'm so tired. i don't seem to be able to fix myself and no one else can or will. i have fallen apart. and it is a quarter past twelve. he isn't calling. i'm done. i want to die. there. i said it. i want to die. but i won't. that's what upsets me the most. i won't. i'll just keep getting up in the mornings and it won't stop. just pain after pain. and that's life. i'm not cursed. that's just life. it's awful and painful and you seldom get what you want, and when you do you never get to keep it. *stares blankly* i need help. someone please help me. anyone. help. please. please. i'm begging you universe. please. let the phone ring. let my father wake up and check on me like he did that once. something. anything. please. please. help me. please.

the silence is deafening.

edit: he called five minutes after i posted this and i seriously think he saved me. i got what i needed off of my chest and i feel so unburdened. he's going to call me back in an hour or so and i'm actually looking forward to it. the dread is gone. thank god a hand reached down and helped me stand up. sometimes i seem to dig myself into holes so deep i need help getting out. thank you universe. and even more so, thank you R.
notesinblue: (profile)
2009-06-16 11:04 pm
Entry tags:

waiting game

something is not right. this is not right. and futhermore, i am not alright.

he told me over and over again that every thing was okay. but it wasn't.
then he told me he was going to prove to me that this, us and him moving away, was going to be okay. he wrapped his pinkie in mine and swore it. but he hasn't.

i know. i know. it's only tuesday. but i've felt sick and wrong ever since friday night when we had our rift. since then he has been absent when i need him most. then he played a head game with me by "testing" me and not calling me. wanted to know if i was serious in my resolve and being truthful when i said i'd be okay if he didn't. well, what about his pledge to show me that he's still on board, all the way?

i've lost my faith and trust. when i think about him or us i feel like i'm going to throw up. i want to see him, hear from him, but the mere thought is giving me nervous bowels right now. and that can't be right.

others have told me that he's just being young. that i need to give him time and space. and they are probably right. but meanwhile i feel like i'm sitting and waiting for him to pull himself together while i suffer, tiptoe, and pray for a scrap of attention or assurance. this doesn't feel right. it feels very very wrong. and i don't know what to do. it's already been said that the thing to do is just focus on me and give him space, but it feels all wrong.

he broke things, he really did, and he broke me. and i want him to fucking fix it. i want him to uphold his end. i'm all alone up here giving him space. i sit by the phone waiting for him to call and i feel like a dog. and i don't feel like my needs are being tended to. but what are my needs?

i don't need any more words. i don't trust them anymore. i need actions. i need him to show me. and that's something he has to do on his own. i can't tell him how or it's meaningless. but i suppose i can tell him i feel like a damn neglected and pathetic dog begging at his table. but i don't see how that will help.

i feel like we broke up.
i feel like we broke up and we are both just pretending otherwise.
and it hurts so much. i feel sick. literally sick. and drained beyond belief. i've been living in a state of shock and dread for five days now. and i feel like i'm at my wit's end. and my god am i lonely.

i don't want this. i don't want to feel this way. part of me wants to cut and run just so i can have a solid reason to be in pain. so that i can be sure where i stand. it all feels like it's in his court. i feel powerless. i'll hear from him when he wants to hear from me. i'll see him when he wants to see me. we'll be together so long as he wishes it. i feel like i've been cut out of the equation. just waiting.

oh god i don't know what will be worse: if he calls in 40 minutes or if he doesn't. i don't know what to say. do i tell him all of this? i'm tired of arguing and crying. i'm tired of trying to hash things like this out on the phone when i need to be held. this isn't working for me. he wants me to be strong, but i gave him all the power in the relationship. i just gave it away. and now i'm just sitting here waiting to be told it's okay, and i won't believe it anyway.

i want my relationship back. i want the trust. i want to be held. i want to feel loved and wanted. i want us back. and what upsets me the most is that it may be impossible at this point. i've screwed things up, and so has he. and i don't know if this can be repaired.
notesinblue: (sitting alone)
2009-06-15 01:24 am
Entry tags:

alone in the dark

i'm trying. i'm trying so damn hard. and it just doesn't seem to matter.

moving the hanged man and losing our home was awful. i've been dreading it all month and it was even worse than i imagined. i still feel sick inside, and it hasn't even fully hit me yet. i keep wondering when i'll go back down and curl up in our bed and see him. but that's gone. done.

but the worst part was almost losing him. how he came out of the bathroom sobbing, out of the blue, not thirty minutes after telling me all was well and not to worry, that we were solid. but he lied, however unintentional, and it appears he's been doing it for a long time. the look on his face. how he threw his arms around me and said over and over again how unhappy he was, how he didn't feel like himself. how it boiled down to part of him wanting to leave me because i suffocate him. it ripped my heart out. we worked it out, but the hole is still there.

i don't trust that he's with me because he wants to be anymore. i don't believe him when he says all is well and not to worry. i've been trying so hard to recapture my self confidence, and i've been making progress, but this has sent me careening backwards.

i want so badly to attribute it to us not sleeping for nearly two days and the stress of moving and losing that place, but i know that's a half truth at best. and now, tonight, another piece of evidence that something has shifted. that i have misunderstood or misread something vital.

he hasn't called me.

every night, since we got together, if i'm up on the ridge he calls. usually at midnight. i plan on it like an eager puppy waiting for dinner. i always thought he looked forward to it too. that it was a connection that we shared and he craved the way i do. a hand stretched out across the ether to coil around his own when real flesh is separated by mountains and lakes. but i was wrong.

he told me, as he was crying, that it felt like an obligation. that even when i wasn't around i loomed. the requisite phone call. now i know it was true.

yesterday he called and our conversation was shorter than usual, even though there was so much to say. i hung up feeling lost. now today i sit next to my phone in anticipation only to be met with a simple text, an hour after his usual call time, that he is playing games with his brother. i have no idea whether he will call later or if that's it. i'm trying not to hope. it seems my old mantra, "hope is a lying bitch", has resurfaced. something i stopped saying after we got together.

i feel broken.

i don't know what i am to him, what any of this is to him. i thought it was the same as what it all means to me, but now i know it can't be. i want to know how he's doing. i want to hear about his day. i want to hear his voice. i want him. but here i am, obligatory receiver of a text message. and i know that if i ask for more we are done. we agreed to try to make things work, but my end of the bargain was to give him more space. and now i don't know if i can do it. not because i'm possessive or want to smother him, but because i obviously want more of him than he wants of me.

as i write this i feel awful. and a bit resentful. he still has someone to play games with through the night. that was me. that was our thing. that was my spot, next to him, controller cord over my knees. one day and he's already found a surrogate. meanwhile i'm sitting alone in a loft filled with miller moths skipping through music because every song i listen to irritates me, but the silence feels heavy and oppressive. i'm restless and torn apart. i'm lonely and sad. i have no surrogate. i have no one to laugh with as i skip calling him.

he doesn't need me. which makes me wonder if he will still want me given enough time for him to put it together. and i, though i'm trying my hardest not to, still need him. and want him. and can't walk to the bathroom without my phone in my pocket, hoping he might call.

i feel pathetic. unwanted. and like the only good thing in my life is rotting away.

i used to be so happy.
notesinblue: (rage)
2009-06-03 03:10 pm
Entry tags:

last straw

i know i'm not the first, nor will i be the last, but i can't stand my fucking mother.

this morning was the proverbial straw. it's not a huge thing. it's by no means the worst thing she's done, not even this week. but it was the breaking point. at this point i don't give a shit what she thinks of me, what she says to my father, or how i'm painted in front of my grandmother who arrives this evening. i don't care. because i just can't take it anymore.

i am the sickest i've been in a long time with tonsilitis. i haven't been able to get out of bed for the past five days. walking to the bathroom is taxing. the skin on my face is peeling off from the extreme temperatures of my ongoing fever. and i need my goddamn rest! and what does she do? she decides to clean the bathroom and guest room at eleven in the god damn morning.

i could hear her shuffling past my stairs and not-door over and over. every once in a while she would pause and listen, then proceed to be even noisier. i tried to ignore it and fall back asleep for an hour and a half, and then, and i still cannot believe this shit, she actually walks upstairs to my room and proceeds to put shit in my closet and move shit around.

i sat up and said, "what are you doing?"
her response, "i'm cleaning grandma's room."
my retort, "no. what are you doing?"
her reply, "i told you. i'm cleaning." then she flounced off back down the stairs. i threw my blankets over my head and seethed. then, i shit you not, she came back upstairs with my cello.

there is not a square inch of this room that isn't full. the guest room is empty and has a door to keep the dogs out, which is why my cello lives in there. she then proceeds to lean it precariously in front of my dresser. i sit up and glare at her.

"you can't put that there. i won't be able to get to my clothes."
"it's just while grandma is here."
"seriously, you can't put that there. there is no where to put that up here. i don't have a spot for it."
she moves it to block my closet door, which flings open at random when we get wind due to a bad latch.
"no. you can't put that there." i reassert.
"it's just while grandma is here. you can move it when you get up."
"there is no place to move it to. there is no room for it in here."
"you can move it when you get up."
and then she fucking walks off, leaving the damn thing leaning precariously against my closet and bookshelf. then she began vacuuming under my stairs.

i fucking freaked out.

i got up, threw on clothes, and proceeded to grab my laundry. i went to her side of the house. the kitchen was a wreck. the living room, wreck. her room, wreck. i threw in some laundry, used her bathroom, then rubbed snot all over her mouse and keyboard. childish, i know, but i don't plan on being close enough to her to sneeze in her face. then i went back to my room, dug around until i found some tacks and a sheet, then covered my damn non-door with a cloth barrier. STAY THE FUCK OUT!

and the best part. when she was done vacuuming she made her morning frozen fruit blender lunch and retreated to her studio. silence for the next two hours. dead fucking silence. she did not vacuum the rest of the house or clean up anything else. she could have waited until i was awake to do all that and hung out in her studio all morning and let me sleep. but no. housework before lunch. and i guess she was just too damn taxed from invading my fucking space to continue on and do the rest.

i just went and put another load of laundry in (yep, rest of the house still a pit) and i refused to acknowledge her. she knows i'm mad. she's probably mad too. she's probably already called pop and told him what an awful little shit i am. told all sorts of fucking lies like she always does. fuck her. i fucking can't stand her. i can hear her rustling around in the kitchen now. guess she's decided to clean up a bit now that she's finished her afternoon tea time. bitch. i am so done. i hope she does catch my tonsilitis so i can run a fucking vacuum through her room at one in the fucking morning.

i'm not sure what's worse: being sick as hell or being stuck here with her.
notesinblue: (glee)
2009-04-05 01:00 pm

dream life

i just had the most wonderful dream. i’ve woken up smiling. i’d go back to sleep and catch some more comfy bed, snuggly, nap time, but i wanted to write it down.

i dreamed the hanged man and i were both graduating. it was from the university in the spring, but it felt like high school. everything was warm and breezy, and it was filled with flowers. we sat on bleachers and there were maybe only fifty of us all total. a woman called him up first, and there was thunderous applause. i was so proud of him, and he was well recognized and lauded. i went second, and again, applause. and i did it right this time, because i felt right. i grinned from ear to ear and felt like i had accomplished something. (later that night i spied a black and white close up of me in a frame - i'm laughing in my mortarboard and holding my diploma up to my face, radiant with glee.) then we both walked off the stage together and met my folks who gave us huge hugs and congratulated us. it felt wonderful and momentous. we walked out into the sunshine hand in hand smiling and happy.

then the dream changed. again, this was all the present but it felt like high school. it was summer, but not long after the ceremony, maybe a month, and i was attending the university swim meet with the hanged man and my parents (though my mother never appears in this dream). the meet was a big deal, and a lot of people’s graduation or success depended on it. the princess of cups was there, and her eyes were swollen and red, infected by pool water from not wearing goggles like everyone else. she never saw me. she looked miserable and defeated. i found out, from my father, that over the course of the weeklong tournament she had fallen from third place to seventeenth. she was a failure. she was never going to amount to anything, and she knew it. i witnessed her defeat, shook my head, and felt a little sorry for her. then i left her behind without much thought, got some shaved ice, and enjoyed the rest of the summer festival with the hanged man.

then it changed again. i was picking out tulips from bins and the hanged man was no longer at my side, but my father was. i wanted the perfect lavender tulip to keep forever and cherish, to remember the past day by. there were yellow tulips and purple ones, and they were all amazing. i knew exactly which one i wanted, but i had to find it - i knew it was there because i had sen it earlier without getting it. it was just the right shade and shape. my father pulled one in particular from the box and asked me if it was the one i wanted, in a “please say no” sort of tone. it was tiny. the color was an amazing rich purple, but it had yet to open and it was itty bitty. it was a seedling. even though the color appealed to me i shook my head. maybe i could press it in a book or something, it was a nice shade, but it wasn’t what i wanted. he smiled and i kept looking. i found the one i was looking for and was happy. then my father showed me something else. it was a Tiffany lamp on a swing arm. it reminded me of the tulip. it was lavender, pink, and orange. i didn’t like the orange, it wasn’t quite right, but it was a gift and the more i looked at it the more i liked it. he offered to clamp it to my wing back chair in my room, and just like that we were there, as happens in dreams. it was my old room back at Larkbunting, but it was a bit different and i don’t think it was attached to their house. the wing back chair was in my closet as a reading place, and my father hooked the lamp up and i fell in love with it. i knew it would be so cozy there, reading at night. i felt peaceful and happy. this was my life and i felt content.

i woke up smiling and haven't stopped. it's clear to me what my subconscious was talking about, and i truly believe today that i can build the life i want. i will heal my wounds, get over my obstacles, and put my old life behind me. i will love the hanged man without pause, stop dwelling on those that tried to destroy me, and the negative feelings that go with them, and i will find a nice job and home. i will be whole, healthy, and happy. i believe it. just as i believe in the sunshine melting all the snow beyond the windows. warm days are ahead.
notesinblue: (glee)
2009-01-11 07:19 pm

gift list

i meant to post this a while ago:

graduation gifts:
folks - $500
grandma - $100
princess of disks - leather journal & cookies

christmas gifts:
folks: a coat (which i returned), kitty ear hat, snowman scrabble tile necklace, steampunk book locket, tiny fish dish, $50 Target card, $20 Barnes&Noble card
grandma: $50
the hanged man: dishes, geisha coffee mug
hanged man's family: cream colored hat & gloves, orange stone necklace, Death Race
notesinblue: (sitting alone)
2009-01-05 03:14 am
Entry tags:


Words words words. Where have you gone? It seems that every time I write something I like it cripples me for months afterwards. I look at the piece in question and feel awed and retarded. How could I ever create something that interesting again? It is as though I have convinced myself that I have a very finite reserve of brilliance and it has been depleted. In fact, it seems every time I finish something I’ve just used the very last word in my reserve tank. And yet I always find more. I have a faulty fuel gauge. I cruise around thinking I’m on empty, afraid to go anywhere for fear of ending up stranded on a deserted roadside. Except I’m driving a god damned oil tanker. I could write every day for the next one hundred years and never run dry. So then why the fear?

I need to remember something very important. It seems no matter how many times I remember it, a brilliant epiphany over and over again, I still manage to forget it anew. When I feel anxious it is usually because I feel powerless and out of control. Panic attack? Do something to regain a sense of power. Anxious? Do something. Say no, say yes. Assert yourself. Write. Take control of your day and stop floating along in the current. Seriously. I mean this. Stop. Right now. And do what you really want to do most. Stop being so concerned with every one else and whether you might fall flat on your ass or screw up. Just fucking do it. Regain a sense of strength and the tightness will fade. You can do it, but first you have to get up off of your ass and decide to actually do it. So go. Now. Because sitting on your ass skimming over these words months later while in a funk will get you nowhere. Only you have the power to do that, and trust me: that power is more vast than you ever give yourself credit.
notesinblue: (profile)
2008-12-25 03:20 am

christmas apprehension

internet’s down and i feel somewhat isolated and crippled as a result. there were so many things I planned to do tonight, but most of them involved the web. write a holiday greeting in my public journal, update my photo blog with pictures from graduation, finish my year end lists, maybe search for the last couple holiday hatchlings on Facebook. stuff like that. instead I’ve spent the past hour futzing around my room cleaning things up somewhat.

i’m so rarely here anymore. i rarely spend the night in my own bed and it feels strange. it also means odds and ends pile up when all I ever do is stop by and get fresh clothes. i sort of miss my space, but i’m lonely. if i could teleport my guy here it would be perfect. wouldn’t it?

i’ve been forgetting to take time for myself and it has been wearing at me. i need to remember to be my own friend sometimes. i’ve been neglecting my relationship with myself. that may be contributing to my melancholy. and then there is the loss of Jasper. i miss him so much. it feels wrong that he isn’t here by my side. it heightens my loneliness. and graduation, the pressure of starting out on a new adventure, weighs on me heavily.

perhaps i am as melancholy as the hanged man says. i don’t want to be. not at all. and it makes me sad that he sees me that way (proof he’s right). i need to change it, both for myself and for our relationship. he worries about me and thinks i’m unhappy. that’s no way to live. i should know. so i need to meditate on what i need to do for myself.

right now i’m just hoping i get my period for Christmas. it’s late (stress does that) and it’s making me nervous (which probably isn’t helping). we’ve been careful, no accidents to speak of, but it scares me and makes me think. what if? i don’t want to be a mother, at least not right now. i’m just starting to remember how to be myself and how to be someone’s love. i have big important steps ahead of me in the coming months: finding work, moving out again. i can’t have anything complicating it right now. so dear holiday spirits, please bring me my period and a happy mood. i’m tired of feeling anxious when i should be happy. i have so many things to smile about.
notesinblue: (facepalm)
2008-07-19 11:52 pm


ok self. you've been consumed with anxiety this past week to the point where it feel like your heart has been ripped out. this is not okay. so here's what we are going to try tonight: write until something pulls loose or you feel better. now go.

i'm afraid and it all started with the hanged man. which makes me worry that it has to do with him. did he simply trigger it or is this a warning sign? i feel like it's the former but i'm petrified that it may be the second. what if i'm fooling myself? what if it's all a lie? what if i don't love him? i can't ask myself these questions without breaking into a sweat. which, again, worries me. when i think about it all logically i can see no problem though. i'm scared that i can no longer answer with confidence when i ask myself if i love him. do i love him or do i love what he does for me, what he represents? why wouldn't i love him? he's everything i want and need. ok, setting that aside for a moment, what if i don't? is that what's scaring me? maybe. i stand to lose a lot. or do i? yes, i stand to lose another new shiny future all built perfectly in my head in addition to losing him and being wrong. i really don't want to be wrong. i said he was the one and i can't take that back. can i? i don't know. this isn't making me feel any better though. am i mad at him? do i want to be away from him? my heart aches when i think that, but i don't know what that means. maybe i'm afraid i *should* get away from him and i know i don't want to, like with the emperor. maybe i'm afraid i'm going down the same road, and i'm going to be hurt. i do have the same trapped feeling. but that doesn't seem right either. lets try this, how would life be better without him? well, i'd have more free time. i'd have more time for me. i miss me. i feel like i never get time to be alone and just sit and think. i can't remember the last time i went out alone. but i could do that anyway. i already told him i wanted space and i have it. i don't feel better. i felt just as sick about coming home as i did going down to be with him. when i think about getting up tomorrow and spending all day here i feel ill. i likewise feel ill when i think about going down. either way i feel a rush of anxiety. so where do i want to be. a voice inside my head keeps saying "home". well we've been over this. there's no suck place. and typing that makes me sad, like i want to cry. home is gone. the wetlands, my house, my husband...all gone. i miss him. i don't know why all of a sudden but i do. i miss him so much and i don't know why. it's like he just left. i can feel his absence like a hole where my heart was. the hanged man is not him, for better or worse, and i didn't think i wanted him to be but maybe a part of me does. i miss J. there i said it. i miss him.

and now the tears have come. so many of them and they're coming from a place of grief, not fear. i thought i was done with this but i guess i still was holding on to something. in this moment i just miss him so much. and that may be the hanged man's only fault: he's not the emperor. he's so different, and mostly for the better, but he's not him. and now the anxiety is back. unexpected. i thought the tears were an indication that i had popped out a cork. but it looks like i'm wrong. there is something going on in my head and it has to do with the hanged man. do i want to leave him? do you want to leave him, T? if you could, would you leave him and run back to the emperor? a little voice in my head said yes and another recoiled and screamed no. conflicted. so which is it? who would you pick, the emperor or the hanged man? my instincts pull me toward the emperor. i miss him. my head tells me the hanged man. my heart...i can't tell. i can't tell where my heart is. i know that the emperor is gone forever no matter what choice my heart makes right this instant. but if i don't pick the hanged man i don't know if i should stay with him. he's not a surrogate. i love spending time with him. when i get upset it's because i look deep into his eyes and what, see it's not the emperor? was i pretending he was the emperor? he's better. a voice in my head cries out "no he's not!", but yes, yes he is. i feel like i'm fighting with myself. a battle is raging between my old self and the person i'm trying to become. i want to talk to someone about this without having to reassure them that i love the hanged man, because what if i don't? and that thought makes me feel sick, which again i don't know how to read. every time i ask myself if i love him i feel sick. you'd think that would mean no, but that's not always the case with me. am i rationalizing? do i not love him? god i feel ill. i also feel certain that i did love him before all of this happened, which leads me to believe that i still do.

i want to go home.

i keep almost calling the hanged man by the emperor's name. that feels important. it's been popping up a lot lately. let's go back a moment. let's go back to the grief if we can. ... i miss him. he's gone. and maybe he's not a monster. maybe he was the love of my life and he's gone. but that doesn't feel right. that makes me feel just as ill. i don't want this. any of it. when i picture the hanged man in my head my heart aches. it feels like i've lost him somehow. but i haven't. did i lose the illusion of him? what is it that makes my heart hurt so badly? what's going on with me? i'm going to go sit and think a little - this doesn't seem to be helping.
notesinblue: (glee)
2008-07-09 10:37 pm


happy birthday to me!

for future reference i shall record the presents i was graced with:

grandma: $50
papa: $50
folks: $50 gift card to Target, shorts (don't fit, to be returned), Neverending Story on DVD (duplicate to be returned), $400 to help with tuition
the hanged man: book of Keats love poems, Dr.Tran T-shirt, replacement for my lost Queen of the Damned soundtrack, movie tickets
the princess of disks: $30 Best Buy gift card
the heirophant: a giant cookie (with a frosting crocodile on it)

it's sort of amazing to me to be involved with someone who actually went out of his way to make my birthday special instead of making me miserable all day. what a change. thing haven't just gotten better for me, they're better than ever.
notesinblue: (pensive)
2008-06-30 02:07 am
Entry tags:


why is it that you can miss someone you haven't seen in years after they die? are you missing them, or the pure essence of them? is it the knowledge that all those coffee dates you promised one another will remain forever unrealized? or is it something deeper? could it be the realization that you never intended to keep any of those dates, and even if you had that you would not have said what was really important: even though you aren't part of my life, nor me yours, you are dear to me.

except i said that, albeit several months, possibly years ago. in my case it's the loss of what she represented that i mourn most. i've taken heart from her strength. so many times i felt overwhelmed, like giving up, and i thought of her tenacity and i found the will to carry on. but she lost her fight. and part of me feels like all my faith, and all her courage, strength, and positive thinking, didn't change a damn thing. she's dead and the world is a darker place for it. and while i try to honor her spirit by staying positive i feel dark inside. i don't want to live in a world where all of that means nothing and the most cheerful woman i've ever known dies of cancer while her true love is left holding her lifeless hand.
notesinblue: (sitting alone)
2008-05-22 01:54 am
Entry tags:


the hanged man shaved off his beard and he looks twelve. i know it's petty, but it bothers me. it makes me feel old. six years didn't seem like that big of a difference when he looked more my age, but now he looks even younger than he actually is. it will grow back. i know it's a little thing, but it threw me off and now i'm trying to recover my attraction.

i'm in a funk today. i've had a bad feeling in my gut since yesterday morning. the hanged man had a little needy fit, and it freaked me out. i tried not to let it, but it did. mood swings scare me. the emperor made good and sure of that. and mood plummets out of the blue, especially ones related to sex, are a huge button for me. i keep telling myself it's nothing, that everything is good, but i'm not buying it on some level. i'm freaking myself out. things have been wonderful. he's wonderful. so why this reaction like i'm back with the emperor again?

i know i'm oversensitive, and making a mountain out of a molehill, but part of me is scared it's a red flag. i feel sick inside. i'm scared and upset. i haven't called him, and usually by now we would have been on the phone for at least an hour. i keep going from wanting to talk to him to wishing he wouldn't call. it's confusing. bottom line: i'm upset and i need to talk to him. i just don't know what to say.

i'm not sure what precisely is bothering me. i feel like i need a good cry. just a week ago i was wishing we were engaged, and now i feel like i'm about to sprint. what the hell is my problem? can i trust that things really have been amazing? can i trust myself? and if i can, what do i trust? do i trust how i felt last week or how i feel now? both? is that possible? i just wish i knew why i was so upset over something that happened almost two days ago. i didn't even want to talk about him tonight when my folks asked how he was. i glazed over the subject. i keep reassuring myself that things are good but they taste a lie. but why? why why why?

is it that i realized he isn't perfect? that he has some of the same flaws the emperor did? even if that's the case it doesn't mean he is the emperor. just because he got needy in regards to sex doesn't mean he's going to start pouting, whining, and guilting me. which may just be what i' so afraid of. i don't want the uncomfortable sex life i had before again. i don't want to spread my legs out of obligation. i don't want to do it just to make him feel better about himself and get him off my case. that's what i did with the emperor. and i can't do it again.

maybe that's what i need to tell him. maybe it's as simple as that. maybe i need to pick up the phone. god knows i've felt like shit all day over this and it hasn't done any good. this has helped though. and i know talking to him will too. it always does. besides, i made a promise to always be honest and open with him. this is how things fester and rot. and i know i don't want that.
notesinblue: (falling)
2008-04-20 09:17 pm
Entry tags:


so sick. i haven't felt this ill in a long long time. it's that quality of sickness where you feel like you're dying, or at the very least wish someone would drag you outside and euthanize you. it's awful and no amount of Nyquil seems to be working. i got it from nursemaiding the hanged man through it thursday and friday. boy howdy am i paying for my love now. that said, i'm not sure i would have done anything differently.

i've never felt the way i feel about him with anyone before. it's like we're two puzzle pieces clicking together. we just fit and everything feels so right. i know it's been a week shy of two months, but the way i feel with him is so different and amazing. i was with the emperor for over a decade, married him, and never felt this right with him. i loved him but i never felt like he was my soul mate. i just thought that was something cheesy people wrote in greeting cards. but i really feel that way about the hanged man. i feel like he's the one.

intellectually that freaks me out. i mean shit. it's only been a matter of weeks, and i just got out of a long abusive marriage that still makes me cry from time to time. my brain is telling me that this is silly. but my heart, my core, is saying the opposite. it's saying there is no such thing as timetables or hard and fast rules when it comes to love. and for once i'm certain that it's my heart saying those things, not vice versa. there is no doubt, except regarding my strange lack of it.

i'm not saying i'm running off to Vegas. nothing like that. but i am saying that i feel very very lucky. even as i lay here struggling to breathe and keep my eyes focused. i may be painfully ill, tragically even, and buried in schoolwork i can't keep my blurry eyes open long enough to finish, but i'm still lucky. because i have someone in my life that completes me rather than devours me. i've never been better.
notesinblue: (pensive)
2008-03-27 01:55 am
Entry tags:

working through a mood

i've been wanting to sit down and write this, clear my head, all night but i've been too busy. which is part of the problem i'm sure. i'm feeling very grumpy today and some of it is directed toward the hanged man. and as i sat down to write this i realized why. it's taken me all night to put it together: he requires an insane amount of energy. he clings, which has never bothered me before, but now that i'm busy as hell it's problematic. strike that. it's not only problematic, it's irritating. i'm irritated.

but it isn't just the clinging. it's the insecurity. i feel like i have to reassure him all the time, which in turn makes me worry. if i'm spending all my time trying to tell him it's all okay, is it? and then there's the worst part: whenever i'm not super chipper, and uber into him, he gets all worried and needy. i feel like i have to be "on" all the time. add all this together and it's exhausting. and i don't know what to do. when he isn't being neurotic i love being with him. we have a great time. i like talking to him, spending time with him. it's awesome. that is, unless he's being a train wreck, and then it makes me tired. and today i find myself crabby, and full of doubt.

i've been cock sure i was falling in love with him, hell, already knee deep in it...until today. today i don't know. today i feel nothing except somewhat smothered. maybe i need a break and that's it. maybe i'm just tired and overwhelmed with school and it has nothing to do with him on any meaningful level. or maybe i was wrong. that idea makes me feel like i'm going to throw up. i can't tell where any of this is coming from or if it means anything other than i need to examine my issues and get a good night's rest. maybe i just needed to acknowledge that i feel more than a little tired of having to constantly reassure him everything is cool. because it's making things uncool. he's so afraid he'll break it that he's breaking it. and now i'm afraid it's not just breaking, it's broken. all in the span of one day. which makes me suspect i'm just having a mood.

but what if i'm not? what if i've reversed momentum and i'm pulling away just as fast as i rushed in? i'm scared. for the first time i'm really scared. part of it is that i miss my space. i don't think this would be such a big deal (at least this fast) if i were in town. but i'm spending almost every night with him in his little apartment. there is a feeling of obligation. and the worst part is that when we spend time apart the next time i see him he goes on and on about how much he missed me...and i don't feel that way. i don't miss him. especially not right now. i'm glad to be alone and able to type this in my own bed. i miss being tied into LJ and current on my reading and shows. i miss my dogs. i even miss my folks. i don't like being away from home. never have. and maybe that's all it is. i miss my space.

so what do i do about it? i'm spending the next two nights with him. i'm meeting his folks tomorrow for god's sake. i'll come home on saturday, but that's two days away. realizing i need space right before our two days together seems like shitty timing. on the other hand, i'm actually looking forward to the next few days, which is a very encouraging sign. i'm not dreading it at all, although i am nervous about thursday night. and about the sex thing. it's such a constant drama. honestly, that's probably the heart of it all. he feels weird and broken, and in turn i feel like i constantly have to please him to boost his esteem. maybe if that was all working right things would be okay. except i'm sick of working on it. it's stressful.

hmm. i really do think this is primarily a sex thing come to think of it. it's about space, but a big part of it comes from not wanting to be in a situation where sex can spring up. i'm not stressed about friday at all because i know we'll be out all night. i'm stressed about him wanting it, me not but feeling obligated, then us having a failed attempt and him freaking. it's awful. so i want to avoid it, hence, i wanna be here at home.

working through all of that actually has loosened a knot in my gut. i feel a bit better. but still, what do i do about any of it? talk to him for certain. i promised him and myself i'd keep communication open even if it was difficult. but then what? i feel like i've told him a lot of this already, although not tied together, and not about wanting space or feeling numb toward him.

feeling numb... that's the part that really worries me. he kept saying i love you yesterday and i didn't want to say it back because i wasn't feeling it. i felt it before, where did it go? is it gone or am i using a coping skill and shutting down because i sense a disturbance? i'm inclined to think the later but i remain worried. have i been wrong this whole time? have i been lying to myself? have i? part of me says yes and part of me says no. which is which? i wish i knew. i was so sure and now i'm so not. things aren't fun when you're worried, and when things aren't fun i worry. nice cycle i've put myself in. i can't convey how much of how i'm feeling i blame not on him but on the emperor. i used to trust myself. now i only doubt.

i truly hope, hell, i pray, that i wake up tomorrow and this yucky feeling is gone. i want to feel energized the way i did before, not sapped. i just want to be happy. i was. i really was. i can say that with 100% certainty, yet still i doubt it. which says to me that a good chink of this has to do with how messed up i am. still. or maybe it's all just a bad day. maybe. mom said we all are allowed to just have bad days some times, without any reason. maybe that's all it is. again, maybe. maybe. god i hope so.
notesinblue: (dream)
2008-03-24 01:25 am
Entry tags:

home again home again

it's good to be home. i had a great week with the hanged man, and i like staying at his pad and spending time with him, but it's nice to be in my own space again too. i missed my bed, dogs, and loft. i was also starting to miss being alone. i'm sort of glad i'll be back to my routine tomorrow. (only sort of.) i'm sure i'll be staying over on tuesday, and probably thursday and friday, but i've already decided i'm coming home monday and wednesday. it's good to be with him, but it's good to be by myself sometimes too. i hope he doesn't take it the wrong way - things finally feel totally comfortable and right with him and i'd hate to throw them out of whack. then again, if i'm stressing and changing myself to suit his moods then they already are.

i don't foresee any of this being a problem, but i'm trying to stay aware. i'm happy. both with him and here alone. it's nice. i don't feel like i'm going through withdrawal when we are apart nor do i feel crazy and high when we are together. i just feel warm and content. i think that's a sign i'm getting healthy, and that this relationship is good for me right now. i hope it is for him too. things really have been amazing.
notesinblue: (falling)
2008-03-03 02:34 am
Entry tags:

in the beginning

decided to take a chance on the hanged man and i'm so glad i did. he makes me feel, well, the opposite of how the emperor did. it's so nice. so so nice. now i'm just trying to figure out how to make it work when i live an hour away. and school takes up all my time. i wasn't kidding when i said i didn't have time for a relationship. but this...this is worth trying my best to make it work. besides, maybe the forced distance will help keep me from losing myself the way i tend to.

i find myself missing him and at the same time being a bit thankful for the break because when i'm with him it's all so intense. i took a long bath, read, and lounged today - it was very relaxing and i think i needed it. i worry that since i'm content when we are apart that means things aren't good, but on reflection it may be the opposite. i think it's a sign i'm healthy and non-codependent for the first time. it's strange, and goes against my instincts, but i think it's right. i've never been with someone like him and i've never been in a place like the one i'm in right now. my experience counts for shit. i'm not burning at as high a temperature, so i'm not turning to ash. i'm still on fire, but it's a nice fire that warms instead of burns. maybe this is what it's like to be in a normal, healthy relationship. i suppose we shall see.
notesinblue: (destiny)
2008-02-23 07:25 pm
Entry tags:

risky business

i am so damn torn right now.

my crush on the hanged man has reached critical mass. i want to give it a go, but i'm worried i'm making a huge mistake. and i can't tell if my apprehension is caused by my gut intuition (and hence i should pay close attention), or if i'm just scared because of the damage the emperor and the prince of wands caused (in which case i should work through it). i doubt myself to the point where i shy away from opportunities out of crippling fear. i can't tell if that's what i'm doing right now, because if it is i need to stop. i can't keep avoiding life out of a fear of failure. but if it's my intuition then i need to listen.

for the past few days i've been walking on air, but today i feel anxious and distraught. i'm worried and a bit depressed. the prince of swords, queen of disks, the I Ching, and my tarot cards, they all are cautioning me to be careful and it adds to my feeling that i'm being foolish. and then there is Maggie telling me that this sounds very exciting and promising, along with the prince's lady, brimming with joy for me. or the king of cups giving me a thumbs up. it makes me torn. i want to trust them, all of them, but none of them really know him. it's hard. and confusing.

he has some faults that worry me. he's fragile, lacking confidence, and tends toward the melancholy. i don't feel at all like he would ever abuse me, which is something i'm hyper aware of right now. but the prince of swords is right: he does tend toward the depressive. which is a red flag. but i can't help but wonder if all of those faults are because no one is, or has been, there for him. i don't want to be his mom. or spend all my time trying to fix him. but i do see a vast potential. like perhaps given some support he would blossom. but there it is: support. i'm afraid i'm falling into an old pattern of trying to fix him and be his rock. i don't really want that. i just... i guess i just have an intuition that it will all happen on its own. which sounds stupid, and i know it, but it's what i truly feel. i don't even contemplate the idea that it might not happen at all.

can he be a man for me, instead of a boy? i don't want any more boys. he's six years younger, and inexperienced and unsure, but does that disqualify him? i don't know. he was man enough to apologize to me a year ago for something that i never dreamed he would, and no one else i know would have been big enough to do it. he walked me to my car last night. he's careful with me in a way that indicates a capacity for deep affection and caring. he told me he shared my fear that he has become a bit emotionally retarded, but that awareness is encouraging. even more so the fact that he wants to change it. he told me he was frustrated that he was always so polite and aloof. he wants to be more. he wants to be a man. do i give him the opportunity? my heart says yes and my head says no.

my heart... that's that then. i typed it before i thought it. my heart tells me the truth. it was my head, not my heart, that told me love was enough in the past. i mistook the source because it pleaded the case of love and loyalty. but in my heart i knew all along i was making a mistake by staying. that's where the insomnia and anxiety came from. it was my heart saying, listen, listen, i know you love him but you need to go. i'm worried that my fear now is the same, but i think i may just be playing the part of the pessimist. i'm scared. but i'm not scared when i'm with him. when i'm with him i'm happy, if not a bit tense because of all my doubt and questions. i need to let go. the worst thing that can happen is it's a big disaster and i lose my friend. i've lost him before and i survived. just putting that out there helped melt a knot in my gut.

i think that's my biggest fear: that i'll jump in, realize it's all wrong, and hurt him badly. but i have to worry about me right now. my intentions are good. that's all i can do. if i blow him off there's a chance i might be doing him a favor but there's also a chance it would be a disservice, the same as if i don't blow him off. wouldn't it be better to take a chance for once? don't i deserve to take a chance? doesn't he deserve a chance too? i think so. i suppose we'll see what happens next time i see him. four days from now. it feels like a long long time.